I'm not stupid! Why can't I believe it?

Hello all who may be reading this (probably not).

I am writing this blog to help me face one of my greatest fears that I have spent a life time avoiding. Learning disabilities. Actually I'm not quite avoiding learning disabilities, As a private tutor, I work with students who have learning disabilities. I've studied various different types of learning disabilities, and find the whole field very interesting. What I really mean by avoiding, is that I am hesitant to find out if I have one.

There are definitely reasons to believe that I may have a learning disability. So many questions about my childhood keep resurfacing; why did I have so much trouble in school? I always seemed behind everyone, everything seemed so much more difficult. I didn't really fit with what was going on around me. I didn't really understand what was going on around me at all. Things other students and teachers did, made little logical sense to me. To put it simply, everyone seemed really weird to me, especially school. It was crazy and counter intuitive to me.

My elementary school reacted in a pretty constructive way. I got a lot of one on one attention from teachers, and was often taken out of the class for private help. While all this helped me, little by little, but eventually I came to the conclusion that something is wrong with me. That I was somehow stupid, or weird. I came to the conclusion that If I worked really hard at school, maybe one day I would catch up and be normal.

This was great motivation for me to up my academic game (which did eventually little by little improve) however psychologically it has really impaired my life from progressing. Now I am here, I have a degree in Mathematics from a prestigious university. Few people doubt my intelligence any more (in addition to myself, many others did when I was growing up). I work helping other people overcome stressful academic situations as a tutor and educator.

I love education, but I'm looking for something different to spend my life doing.

However I've realized that I'm stuck.

I can't seem to move forward,

There are other carers out there,

but I'm afraid to learn about my self enough,

I'm afraid to explore my interests, desires, and interesting careers,

I'm afraid I'll realize I'm stupid, and that I don't fit into this world and I might as well just leave.

This reasoning seems highly illogical and stupid to me, yet I can't seem to break out of it.

I'm tired of overcompensating for myself and trying to convince myself I'm not stupid, I just wanna move on with my life.

So, I'm here to write about my childhood experiences, my fears, learning disorders, intelligence, academics, and anything else tied into all of this. I know that there are others out there who have probably struggled with these things, I know I'm not alone. Let me know what you think.